i hate elvis/i love elvis

There is a clear schism and divide within society, every day I’m reminded of that damn meme of the rabbit, you can tell who has been hardened by life and those who have been insulated by it.

The circles I would run in with would laugh at emaciated individuals, skinny-fat guys with beards patchy, consumers of Marvel movies and Star Wars films who would live to consume the merchandise buy the funko Pops and whatever trinkets I hate Elvis, I love Elvis et cetera it’s all the same.

Premonitions

One of my closest friends was in a terrible incident, I didn’t even know how to put this lightly, but he was shot in the head. In an attempted mugging. To think you can speak to an individual one day, send them a gift in the mail and then the next wake up to a message saying he’s been shot has been truly messing with me. It’s all so binary I can’t deal with it. It’s been plaguing my mind endlessly with no escape.

He survived, the bullet grazed his head.

Last year, an incident happened in my life, something which I wouldn’t wish on anyone but this isn’t about the incident itself it was about what occurred in the lead-up. Before this incident happened I felt an extreme sense of foreboding as if something deeply bad was going to happen and my only outlet was Twitter, I didn’t speak to anyone about it I just tweeted “I have a sense of foreboding” and carried on with my life, trying my best to ignore this feeling of growing dread. I didn’t think that this supernatural “ability” of mine would extend to those whom I’ve never personally met but I guess it does because before my friend had been shot in the head I was getting a terrible sense of foreboding that specifically included him.

This is probably the narcissist trying to make someone else’s trauma about themselves, but also this did happen and I did feel these feelings.

Foreboding or premonitions seem to be a huge part of my life, especially within my creative process, I will make songs with loosely based meanings and then as life occurs I will retroactively find the meaning to what I was saying, but the song itself had already been made with the meaning inserted already. I was just not able to see it now. Some of my most powerful songs have been ones where I am simply the vessel, the channeller speaking truth to power on things I truly do not understand but I know I must speak it anyway for whatever reason.

What do you do when this feeling of existential dread extends beyond you and starts to consume your entire being, what do they call this? Anxiety?

I am deeply sick and I am growing worse, I am Pagliacci the clown, people flock to me asking “How did I do it? How do I pull 405lbs, how do I do this and that” and every single time I extend help to them they are grateful I can see them making the transformation necessary but I can’t seem to do it myself. How can I have the unbridled knowledge of all this and be unable to apply it to myself, this is where I see the void appearing.

There is a deep spiritual void within me. I am the culmination of every single time a teacher has said “Apply yourself” because what is worse than wasted potential?

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So much of my life has been defined by my traumas when the going got tough I would immediately resort to my coping mechanisms which were drugs and music so much of my life has been consumed with this obsession of becoming a musician based on my own loose and undefined definition. My entire identity was moulded around this starving artist gimmick but now as a 28-year-old man I realise this was all meaningless I am an artist no one can take that away from me look at all I’ve accomplished I’ve gone insane trying to achieve this dream and sure I never became this hugely successful guy but does it matter? I’ve let my own selfish and narcissistic ego get in the way of the most beautiful and pure hobby of creation, what about the music?

To think I've ruined so many relationships and pushed away so many people in the pursuit of greatness. It was not worth it. I have an album in me, it’s my most ambitious project. To even say that one has to view it from my mind it’s almost as if it’s this album was made from a sunk cost fallacy I descended deeper and deeper trying to become a musician that I figured I would need more drugs and more songs to make the art better but it’s not the case I simply just had to live my life. I should have fostered relationships, saved money, and looked after those I loved, but I did the opposite. At this point I no longer want to become a musician to fulfil my selfish ambitions I want to live my life and grow as a person. I’m reframing my relationship with music it’s done I gave you everything I have nothing more to give if becoming a musician meant I would lose all of this then it is no longer worth it.