woke up in piss and left 10k richer
Allah can see that I’m trying and that’s all that matters
When you’re unemployed in a big city your work becomes redefined they’re now; hustles, errands, juugs, finesses. Whatever keeps the lights on and the water running.
Not becoming poor is one thing but staying occupied when presented with an incalculable amount of free time is another. Boredom is the mind killer and when you’re unemployed it’s truly a demon, the devil makes work for idle hands and even if you possess a rigorous routine, waking up at 7am eating 14% full fat greek yoghurt with raisins and bananas and performing numerous variations of pull-ups to target all aspects of the back you find yourself eventually sitting at your desk like what now?
You tell me.
I came back from an individuals house. I do clandestine tech support for him, he has a pure heart and has OCD like myself, paid by the hour I do a series of menial tasks, I wont bore you with the details but just imagine the Joe Biden “How do I send email meme” and let your imagination run with it.
I left his apartment to get the train to arrive to the job centre and rendezvous with my work coach, she is this beautiful Congolese woman who is astounded at how such a capable individual such as myself is unable to find any meaningful work. I’m university educated, a civil servant with a background in design and a starving artist on the side. Who wouldn’t want me?
I felt exhausted, my pilgrimage around London had me spent, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and OCD I don’t sleep the best and I often rely on a combination of exercise, benzodiazepines and melatonin in order to get my 8 hours. I had been prescribed 20mg citalopram after a traumatic incident started to create a series of ever increasing bouts of visceral suicidal ideation and quit them cold turkey a week before Christmas because I just felt like they were no longer necessary in my life. I understand that quitting SSRIs cold turkey is one of the worst things a person should do but one trait of mine is that i’m impulsive and when I decide to do something that is more than likely a spur of the moment thing rather than planned.
During this time I opted to seek alternative methods of medicine, One thing that turned out to be really helpful for me was my own form of DIY ketamine infusion therapy where I would essentially procure extremely pure quantities of the substance from the darknet and then rail lines of it in front of my projector, this immediately helped with my depression, OCD and my anxiety but it also came with a caveat; if you don’t know ketamine is a diuretic which basically means it makes you use the bathroom a lot the same way how drinking a beer makes you end up pissing out four times the amount you took in. This often leads you to having extreme bouts of rehydration–drinking vast quantities of water whenever you feel like you’re about to ‘dry out’ almost. Opiate users know what I’m on about.
As I mentioned earlier being unemployed leaves you with a lot of free time and one thing I have become interested in doing is making vinyl rips of my record collection, I don’t just record them I master them reimagining how the album would sound in my own image.
A huge inspiration of mine which I’ve often wrote about in interviews has been the artist LIL UGLY MANE, I consider him to be one of the most important artists of the century and as follows I own an extremely large and rare record collection of his, probably in the hundreds of pounds according to discogs. These records were purchased around 2014 where I didn’t even own a record player until last year so a lot of these records were never even opened, so as an impulsive spur of the moment I figured why not rip most of these albums.
Now another side-effect I forgot to mention about ketamine is that it releases a lot of dopamine which can often keep you up at night hence the combination of benzodiazepines so one night as I couldn’t sleep I decided to log onto the LIL UGLY MANE discord and start dumping all of these rare vinyl rips and masters I had made. I immediately became an important figure on the discord as I seemingly appeared from nowhere and started dumping the most rarest of material possible. For free.
This led to a lot of attention and one of the eyes on me happened to be a moderator who is trans, this seems to be a prevalent trope within online communities, marginalised individuals tend to hold positions of power probably due to the lack of power they possess in the real world so naturally this person had their eyes on me under intense scrutiny.
I used my newfound fame to promote a Substack story of mine. I don’t particularly find it that interesting but it was more of a cathartic endeavour more than anything else. It was about the first time I heard Kanye West another one of my deepest musical and artistic inspirations and loosely about the war film Jarhead. Due the recent controversies surrounding Kanye West it has now become the “current correct opinion” to denounce him as a virulent Nazi an anti-semite, basically the worst possible person you can be, a reprehensible individual who was unable to be rehabilitated and must be ‘unpersoned’ and cancelled as quickly as possible, as a long-standing fan of Mr West. Kanye has been someone who has been there for me sonically during the most pivotal moments of my life, and I’m not in any particular rush to delete his discography and renounce my love for his work because of what he feels in his personal life and it is frankly it is none of my business and to be honest I simply do not care. I do not wish to participate in celebrity drama and I do not wish to participate in the culture war I simply do not care, and I refuse to deprive myself of the art of an incredibly talented musician because the pure, fair and unbiased media has told me to.
Now in the ever present 24 hour news cycle it is important to make sure that you have your opinion on everything, to make sure that when approached you are able to say exactly what you think on the matter, this is usually influenced by whatever ideology you support, your subconscious pathologies and whoever cool person you follow and possess a parasocial relationship with et cetera. In order to fit in you must have an opinion, this is non-negotiable as part of your unwritten contract of having a social media account, regardless of your level of interest or even knowledge on the aforementioned topic at hand I repeat you must have an opinion.
Now given the circumstances you can see how almost radical and fascinating it is as a concept and how it’s almost impossible for some people who are ‘terminally online’ to understand that some people simply do not care, they do not have a ‘hot take’ or an opinion on the matter because they possess more pressing issues that plague them in real life, for example trying to pay rent, council tax, electricity, heating and buy food with no job, trying to survive when any assistance that the government gives you is laughable and doesn’t begin to contribute to even a quarter of how much you have to pay on a monthly basis so one could understand that the politics and personal life of Kanye West simply do not matter to me as I’m trying to make sure I am not homeless by the end of the month. It fascinates me that some people cannot reconcile with the fact that it is completely okay and acceptable to not have an opinion or to not care and position has lead the aforementioned moderator in question to interrogate me on the discord.
I had to have made sure, that regardless of the selfless acts and good deeds I had done for the community in the efforts of preservation and archival purposes, I must be made sure that I have the “correct opinion” before I can continue to participate in the server. This is led to some really hilarious interactions as my lack of giving a fuck quickly becomes interpreted as an endorsement of antisemitism and the defence of Nazis.
My legitimate irreverence had got the heat of this moderator off my back for the time being as it was clear I was not a Nazi and I failed the ‘endorsement of a Nazi’ test with flying colours, it would be easy for me to cast these anime avatar individuals as my enemies, but to be honest I don’t have enemies it’s the fucking internet let’s be real here. We are irreversibly fucking the planet beyond repair, “The Earth is not dying-it is being killed. And the people who are killing it have names and addresses.”
If anything I pity these individuals as they’re clearly unhappy and the only time they appear to wield a semblance of power is when they’re online. How you could hate these people? You can only really pity them. I just wish I could save them. So I decided to go on the counter offensive and do some digging of my own. I had to, what we call in the UX community; create a profile of this person. Without arousing suspicion or offending them I started to ask my own questions.
I had to make sure that i knew who I was speaking to, from what I gathered this person was overweight and unhealthy and had issues with their own gender and identified with an anime avatar, all these traits which in my opinion would make anyone ineligible to hold a position of power without being able to conduct themselves in a measured and balanced way. Yet they happen to be a discord moderator, many such cases! I can assure you that this was not a one sided affair as their sycophants and acolytes were doing the same thing.
These are the pressing questions that plague the community of the LIL UGLY MANE discord and must be sought to the bottom of.
I digress and to reiterate I do not hate these people I simply feel sorry for them, whether or not they want my pity is another thing altogether… As the night goes on I find myself alone in front of the projector, I lay in bed blissfully remembering to take sips of a 2L bottle of every so often as I would rewatch Adam Curtis‘ ‘Bitter Lake’, i’m just currently obsessed with documentaries and I don’t think that is going to change any time soon.
Time passes, I look at my watch it’s 7 am I fell asleep with the projector on, and in a haze of exhaustion I somehow pissed myself, the thing with ketamine is that it is damaging for your bladder and if you decide to take it you must consciously drink a litre of water like every hour it really is that much of a diuretic and simply trying to make up for lost time and guzzling a huge amount of water before bed is a recipe for disaster. I went to sleep watching Bitter Lake and woke up in a bitter lake. SMH.
This was really bad I had pissed the bed something major i woke up at 7am; had a shower and put all my duvets, pillowcases and sheets in the wash. My sleep still broken and disorganised but we ride.
Fuck it, if Liam Neeson can piss himself and still play Ra's al Ghul, Oskar Schindler and the dude in Taken then whatever gaslight yourself into thinking that pissing yourself after waking from a ketamine stupor is normal and justified.
I am a narcissist, I have been told by numerous individuals and I am self aware enough to know that I am one, it’s not exactly a good trait to possess as it stems from a lack of self worth and low opinion of one’s self, the type seen in overweight anime avatar wielding discord moderators.
As you can see a genuine post to try and expand the archive of vinyl rips for legitimate fans of LIL UGLY MANE quickly descends into a banal joke of someone’s terrible dietary choices.
As part of my anthropological endeavour into the mind of a discord moderator I scheduled a quick 5 min call to provide them with a basic gestalt on the benefits of diet, sleep and exercise. As I mentioned before this person is not my enemy and they were really receptive and grateful for the knowledge I bestowed upon them. I promised I would check up on them a week from now to see an update on their process. I guess I’m similar in the way BPD individuals pick a person and make them their project for the time being.
As the day starts I get asked another health related question, I consider myself to be like Dr. Dre— a musician that gets called Doctor, many parallels, he’s brown too can you see the resemblance!
I read stories online of doctors who gave their children HGH during their formative years and they grew to become 7 foot super soldiers. It’s his body and his rules, I direct him to a vendor on the dark net that sells HGH but it appears too risky and costly so I direct him to a SARM which does the similar thing for a fraction of the price, this is my life I help people and it brings me joy and one step away from the self destruction of narcissism.
The mail arrives, the government is giving me £10,000 as some sort of pension rebate scheme I can’t really remember what the letter was about because I was so down bad I signed off on it and ran to the post office as fast as possible. I had to attributed this to some kind of divine intervention– help people and receive £10,000 I’ll take that any day of the week.
As I said earlier I have errands to run, my tech support skills were needed on the other side of London, so I loaded up on Ketamine nasal spray and floated through the London underground. I bumped into a man and woman having a verbal altercation on the platform. I paused “What Difference Does It Make” by The Smith’s to insert myself in between these two individuals. Trying defuse the situation I do not know who or what had started this incident but I have places to be and I’ll be damned if I let this stop me from making rent this month. It was a black man and a white woman going at each other, he assured me that he was a kickboxer and I didn’t doubt him nor did I particularly care because it’s not that you need to be a kickboxer to beat up a woman on the platform of a train station. In fact the barrier to entry when it comes to beating up women is really low, you could probably beat up the majority of them up in a fight if you really were so inclined to.
In an effort to communicate to him I said to the man, “is it worth getting into trouble over a white woman?” he looked at me and I could sense that he had received a moment of clarity and realised that this was not a worthy endeavour, and I said to the woman and asked is it necessary to have a conflict with this guy on the platform, the black pedestrians were adamant that it was the fault of this white woman an the white pedestrians were adamant that the black man was the antagonist in this situation. It was honestly quite funny to see how quickly this became separated by racial lines and to be honest I have no idea who started this nor do I care, I just made sure that they would enter on completely opposite ends of the train to ensure that no further conflict would arise. Some passengers subtly praised me for my ability to just float in and defuse a conflict that clearly looked like it was going to end in a fist fight. Thank you I guess. I simply do not care.
I like T.Rex, you can call it southern supremacy but there is something refreshing about hearing
“I was dancing when I was twelve” in a London accent rather then hearing “I was ‘dahncing’ when I was twelve.”
This is my life I help people and it brings me joy and one step away from the self destruction of narcissism.
The End.